Disclaimer: WizKids did not send me these minis, I had purchased them myself of my own devices. Enjoy the review!
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with models and figures. I hadn’t found tabletop games until I was 17, though. Every now and again I would meander down to the hobby store (in the classic sense) to gawk at the various historical models of ships, combat aircraft and buildings. The very idea of taking something from the real world, making it bite-size, and someone taking the time to paint and construct them was (and is) just so cool to me.
When I got into tabletop gaming, I had a sense of finances and said, “NOPE!” to the idea of painting miniatures for it. You can only hold out for so long, right? Alas, I broke, and now I’ve been painting minis because tiny, detailed things are freaking amazing. Not having started young, it’s been a bit of a learning curve; and though I’m no expert, I figured sharing my findings is always helpful. Nolzur’s Marvelous Unpainted Miniatures is a product line put out for Wizards of the Coast and their ever-growing 5th edition of Dungeons and Dragons by Wizkids. Smart move on their part, since Wizkids has been doing amazing things for Pathfinder and Heroclix in the model department as well. Not exactly knowing where to start, the price point of these really grabbed my attention. So, I started here and with some Reaper Bones minis. Since we all know what to expect from Reaper, I figured talking about these made more sense.
Being a GM, I decided to start with some monsters. Hero characters are cool and all, but If my players want high quality, painted minis for their characters, do it your damn selves! That’s not to say that I won’t be buying some heroes down the road, however. It seems like these minis are packaged in twos, unless they’re smaller creatures, in which I’ve seen packaged in threes. I started with the Bugbears, Gnolls, and Kobolds. Seven HD minis total for around $12 US is pretty good, if you ask me. As I had mentioned, they’re packed in twos, but the Kobolds as three. The deal with these minis is that they come pre-primed (white) with Vallejo primer. As a new painter, I was skeptical with the white primer, as black is a bit easier to hide mistakes and make detail come out. In the end, it looks like it worked out okay though. So far, I’ve only gotten around to painting one Kobold and the two Bugbears, and there’s a pretty solid reason for that.
I decided to start with the hulking Bugbear with an ax. One thing about the packaging/advertisement that really irks me is the pictures of the models themselves. Instead of pictures of the actual minis, it looks like they’re computer generated images. This projects an incredible amount of detail, more detail than shows up on the miniature itself, I’d argue. When I unboxed them, although I could see them through the clear plastic beforehand, I was a bit disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, they look really good, just not as good as they look on the box. Oh well, for the price, I still can’t argue.
Having thrown out the box after I ripped them open, I don’t recall if they told you to use Vallejo paints or not. Since they’re transparent about the primer they used, I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t have Vallejo paints. I had started by buying Citadel and Army Painter, as that’s what my FLGS has. Apparently, that was a bit of a problem. The Army Painter stuff didn’t have too much of an issue, but the Citadel paints simply didn’t want to stay on the model. I got it to work, and look pretty good (if I do say so myself), but it wasn’t that easy. I would put a bit of paint on a part of the model and it would just run in all directions. It was like it thinned itself, quite strange, really. I would say maybe I got some bad paint, but it had no trouble on the Reaper minis, that I primed with Chaos Black.
Excuse the noise, I was listening to a podcast (Tales to Terrify).
After a bit of a struggle, the Bugbear was done. Let me tell you, the frustration was worth it. I absolutely love the way this model came out, he looks a little like a Roman Legionnaire meets a Gaul. Another positive point for these is that they come with plain, round bases that you can glue the model to after you paint it. No paint on the base? Good in my book! What confirmed my suspicion about the paint vs the primer was my experience with the Kobold. The Bugbear made it easy, as the model is bigger. A little bit of running is no problem when you have room for mistakes. That Kobold was so damn tiny, it was a complete nuisance. The paint tolerated staying on the more textured parts like the scales, but the pants, or loincloth, or whatever you want to call it was smooth and almost completely rejected it. As with the former, it came out halfway decent,even though I’m not 100% done with it.
My hands are clean! I just work on cars so I’m forever stained.
Here’s where the frustration really starts for me. I haven’t even touched my Gnoll minis. I felt like I had to gear myself up to do it. The bodies of these models are stunning, with some really interesting little details on their person. However, the face of the chieftain looking dude is a bit of a jumbled mess. Maybe that’s because the model is white and doesn’t bring out the detail all that well yet, or maybe I just got a bad cast, who knows. But the fact that it’s so hard to see what I’m painting makes it intimidating to start. The other one? You can see his face a lot better, but instead of it being confusing to look at, it’s simply plain. He’s almost featureless, the eyes are nearly indistinguishable from the rest of the brow/face. Swing and a miss on this one. I’ll eventually try my hand at painting them, but I need to build up some confidence first.
Overall, for the price point they ask, these miniatures are fantastic. Even with my concerns, I do wholeheartedly recommend them for painters of any skill level. Don’t let the model defeat you, plunge in and go to town. I thought I couldn’t do it either, but it actually worked out pretty well. It seems like these miniatures suffer the same problem as their pre-painted counterparts. Detail doesn’t translate from picture to model, sometimes it looks a little wonky because of it. The plastic seems durable, though, so at least that can be said.
To sum it all up!
I really hope this review helped! For anyone that’s had a different experience with these miniatures, I would love to hear your stories. Reach out to me here, on Twitter, or send a message to my Facebook page. I look forward to hearing from you!
And of course…
Stay Metal \m/
There is not even one sentence about this place in the book, and it’s made my imagination run wild with what it could be. Eld is this little region at the bottom of the map, sandwiched between the mystery of what’s beyond the Dragon Empire’s southern border and the Wild Wood. The incompleteness of this setting fills me with wonder and never fails to inspire me to create.
So what could Eld be? Let’s start piecing together what we do know. A Koru Behemoth migration route runs right through it, as does a major river called The Grandfather. That alone makes you wonder if the place is inherently magical. The Owl Barrens wall in its western border while people can travel freely into it from the east. We don’t know what the Wild Wood was before the High Druid, but we do know that it has since been altered by her magic. There’s a chance that Eld has been touched by that magic, but judging by the difference of terrain markings on the map, this isn’t likely. It seems as though Eld is naturally protected, and it’s certainly fun to tinker with the idea of this being intentional. But why? Lets do a bit of digging and speculation, shall we?
The first thing that popped into my head with name of the place was the Eladrin from D&D. They’re celestial, elf-like beings front a different plane in the context of D&D, and perhaps this region was named after them for that reason. Could Eld be similar to the Feywild or, to go to the Eladrin’s roots, Arborea? It could explain why it’s linked to the Wild Wood, but the markings on the map are similar to that of the Knee Deep, Hellmarsh, and The Fangs, implying that it’s actually more swampy. This alone sets it apart from the Feywild and Arborea. However, we can still link the name to Eladrin, assuming that it was actually the birthplace of elves before they migrated northward to the Queen’s Wood. It might seem like a stretch but hear me out.
There’s a rumour hiding within the text of the core rules that states that the Elf Queen and High Druid could be half-sisters. It says figurative siblings in the write-up, but let’s interpret it more literally. That alone I could write an entire article on, but putting that supposed truth in this context certainly points to my theory for Eld. It’s never talked about in the book, but perhaps the Elves had found the lands that now make up the Dragon Empire during the start of this age. It’s no secret that elves are an ancient race, from far before the existence of others, but what if they’re simply new to the region? Before the High Druid existed as she does in this age, she could have been living in the shadow of her older sister, the Elf Queen we see today in the 13th Age. The (now) Wild Wood could have been a northward expansion of their peoples when they decided to leave Eld, only to be met with resistance from its previous inhabitants. Those previous inhabitants could have been the 12th Age’s High Druid and their ilk. Maybe this High Druid in hiding took the Elf Queen’s younger sister under their wing amidst the conflict. You see where I’m going with this; a climactic battle between siblings, ending in the elder being flushed out of the territory for the younger to live in solitude. The High Druid building her own little empire in the wake of her victory and promising to someday stick it to her older sister. In response, the Elf Queen captured The Green, who may have been the black sheep of the dragons that make up The Three, a friend of the previous High Druid.
The theory slightly clashes with some details in the section for the High Druid, but making this tension a focal point for a campaign could be incredibly interesting. This train of thought could also explain why the river running through the Wild Wood into Eld is called The Grandfather. Perhaps the High Druid named it that, in longing memory of her previous home. Even the name Eld itself is reminiscent of the word, elder. No doubt, Eld should be a place of interesting magic that confuses even the most learned wizards, clerics, and druids. Magic that’s somewhere between arcane, divine, and natural. Making Eld the abandoned home of the oldest race in existence also raises some questions.
Why would they have to leave? Obviously, with this being a fantasy system based around conflict, it had to be some sort of natural catastrophe or war. If it’s a war, with who? Did the elves of Eld have a relationship with the Koru Behemoths, and if so, what did it entail? If it’s a catastrophe, what exactly happened? Since we know nothing about the place, the possibilities are endless. Perhaps a magical storm came ripping northward from some far-southern region outside of the Dragon Empire. Maybe that storm dissipated, but could someday reform, moving even further north. On the front of warfare, an elven civil war could be an interesting idea. It could also explain why the Elf Queen has been so successful; she found a way to unite her people and prosper. Furthermore, it could be the reason why there’s no information on it in the book. The warring sub-races of elves were left to destroy one another and they did just that, leaving nobody left to contact the newfound northern lands. Ah, mystery and wonder. My old friends.
I’d be really interested to hear what the rest of the community thinks! Don’t be shy, reach out!
Stay Metal \m/
My vacation is over. A week at Gen Con and a week in Scotland with only a day between the two, and now, I’m back to reality. Let me tell you, those two weeks were marvelous. There’ll be a post about Scotland later for the personal part of the site, but for now, it’s gaming!
This year I was able to string some more first timers along to this wonderful convention. The first timers: personal friend and cartoonist, Matt Albanese, creator of the NerdMantle and personal friend, Ben Witunsky, and last but not least, VP Quinn from High Level Games (who has also become a dear friend). Returning from last year was beloved cosplayer, Fancy Duckie. The last part of our crew didn’t room with us and carried a very heavy gaming schedule throughout the convention. , Josh Heath is involved with High Level Games and is the creator of his own Inclusive Gaming Network.
And what a crew it was. Having learned from my mistakes last year, this year was far more manageable and enjoyable. We drove from Boston, as opposed to flying, again. It’s always long and grueling but the people you’re with makes all the difference. Quinn and Josh flew from their respective areas, so it was Ben, Jessica, Matt and I cooped up in a car for 15 hours. Silliness ensued, as one would imagine, but it made the ride feel like nothing.
The first day of Gen Con was a bit difficult for me, where a lack of supplies/badge before I got there made things a bit complicated. Sadly, I ended up missing my first game of 13th Age on Wednesday, an adventure from Eyes of the Stone Thief called The Gauntlet. I ran this adventure last year and was really looking forward to it, but things got a little confused. For that, I’m sorry. If anybody who was supposed to be in that game is reading this, please reach out to me by posting a comment here, reaching out on Twitter, or sending a message to my Facebook Page. I’d love to see if we can wrangle everybody in that group to run through the adventure on Roll20 at some point.
After all that was ironed out, the con was smooth as anything. I spent a lot of time separated from my group because I ran a bunch of 13th Age. The main difference from last year is that I didn’t schedule myself to play any other games. Having more time to wander around throughout the duration of the thing made the con more of a vacation than a hellish rush to have fun. All of the games I ran were incredible, especially since Michael from The RPG Academy played through the adventure, The Folding of Screamhaunt Castle. Everyone at the table agreed that we’d play it more horror-style, but as that adventure ends up doing, it descended into silly with morbid imagery. I love that adventure dearly. I feel like I didn’t run it the best way, but it seemed like everyone had a good time. I also had some people come back from the year previous, and I have to say that it was humbling. Nothing makes you feel like you’ve succeeded than forging a friendship with a random stranger through your favorite activity. Nick, Jeff and Greg, it was great to catch up!
Nick had played in my final game of the con, an adventure called Swords Against Owlbears. It’s a comic horror type adventure with some weirdness involved, and thankfully the group was able to take it and run. It was light hearted and silly, but everyone was invested in it. In fact, it was so good that I went out to dinner with all of my players after the game. It was a fantastic experience, I was really happy to meet all of you!
The first order of business when the con truly started on Thursday was to link up with Josh at the booth for Dized. They’re on Indiegogo right now, so jump on it by clicking this link. It’s an app that is designed to help teach you board games while playing it; no rules reading, just jump right into the game. Definitely a uniquely helpful idea. HLG decided to jump right into it and interview them. Josh, being more skilled than I, led the charge and basically asked every question one could possibly think of. I only got one in at the end, but talking with those folks before and after it was awesome. You can listen to the interview here.
Josh and I sitting with Jouni from Dized
For games besides my own, I was actually able to demo Fantasy Flight’s upcoming Legend of the Five Rings card game. Ben and I had carved out some time to go see what it was about. Fantasy Flight really upped the ante with the immersion aspect because they had a giant torii that you had to walk through to get to the play area. I’m not really a huge fan of card games in general so I was walking into this one a little skeptical. When I saw the torii, it helped sway me. What blew me away, though, was the sign on it.
I liked the company to begin with, but this simple gesture made me respect them even more. Good on you, guys. The card game was a little confusing, but I also didn’t really get to peek at the rules. The fellow teaching us was helpful, but I think his teaching style may have clashed with my learning style. Nothing wrong with that, especially since I’ll probably still invest some time and money into the game. After all, I did enjoy my experience. The biggest thing to come from FFG was the announcements of X-Wing’s wave XII and the new miniatures game, Star Wars: Legion. I’m less than impressed with the ships unveiled for the new X-Wing wave, and to be honest, I didn’t even buy anything from the last one. The last two ships I picked up were the TIE Striker and U-wing, and I’ll probably stay there. The game is fun, but the ships are starting to get a bit obscure for me. Regardless, prototypes of the minis were on display and they looked as amazing as ever.
And then there’s Legion. It almost seems like it’s a replacement for Imperial Assault, which is sad considering it wasn’t really that big to begin with. What I’m not sad about, however is how incredible everything looks for it. The second day of the con, they had demos of (what I’m assuming is) a prototype of the game. It’s a lot more like a traditional wargame, by the looks of it, with terrain pieces and such. Where Imperial Assault uses these little tiles for terrain, Legion has legitimate three dimensional terrain much like Warhammer 40k. For the demos, they had terrain pieces for the forest moon of Endor, Tatooine, and Sullust. All of them were masterfully crafted, the miniatures equally so. My heart was trying to punch a hole in my chest to scream to the world how exciting all of it was, but I had to pump the brakes. More information about this game is going to be needed before I decide whether I’m going to buy it, especially with the starter box carrying a $90 price tag. As it was only just announced, trying to get in on a demo was a near impossible endeavor. Someday, Legion… someday.
I couldn’t get a good shot of the Luke and Vader minis, sadly
Besides that, all I played was Dread with the crew that I came with. Quinn ran it while the rest of us were horrified. The scenario presented felt a lot like something pulled from the video game, Dead Space. Pair that concept with sound effects and a group of players dedicated to immersion, and what you get is a genuinely frightening role play experience. Easily one of the best sessions I have ever played of any RPG.
For the spoils of war, I hadn’t purchased much. I got some cool stuff from Pelgrane Press, as all my games were 13th Age. A shirt with a Cthulhu Confidential design on the back, a physical copy of Swords Against Owlbears and some escalation dice. While I was in the exhibition hall with Ben, I made up this thing I called Gen Con Christmas. He was really interested in John Wick’s 7th Sea (I mean, who isn’t?) but didn’t want to buy a hundred things for it. So, I bought a core book with the GM screen, he bought a book, and I gifted him the GM screen. Happy Gen Con Christmas, Ben. Playing that game with you is going to be a blast. Jessica’s birthday was during Gen Con this year. She had bought herself a game called 4 the Birds and I had bought her this little dragon thing she wanted that she couldn’t justify spending money on. It was kind of cute, and apparently had magic powers that ensnared the attention of anyone wielding it.
Our crew ended up staying at the Mariott Courtyard, save Josh of course. It had a little patio downstairs where we got to meet some awesome people from the industry, chat, and have a beer or seven. I don’t think it got quite bad as seven, but comic relief is a good thing. The patio quickly became our safe haven, a place where we could hang out and unwind before charging headlong back into the chaos that is Gen Con. This year was amazing, and I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything the world has to offer. Sadly this is my last Gen Con for a couple of years. I would like to travel to Europe more and my limited vacation time kind of pushes Gen Con out of the vacation equation. So for now, cheers and thanks for the memories!
Stay Metal \m/
It seemed a little odd at first, but crazy Grandpa Rick wrote the number six on the wall and you only conviniently noticed it now. Turns out the house has been infected by brain parasites and th number was so that he could remember how many people were truly in the household. Total Rickall is a cooperative card game put out by Cryptozoic Entertainment. The game is based on the episode of Rick and Morty which, for anybody not in the loop, is a cartoon on the late night program, Adult Swim. In the episode, the familyis subject to brain parasites that puts fake memories into your head, forcing people aware of it to question whether anyone you remember is real or fake.
The episode itself is a confusing mishmash of false memories that is ultimately hilarious, a vibe that the game captures extremely well. You don’t need to watch Rick and Morty to enjoy this game, but seriously, why wouldn’t you? The game features character cards and identity cards for the board. You set up a 3×3 grid of face down identity cards and then flip character cards face up on them. The character cards are the crazy characters from the episode like Baby Wizard and Amish Cyborg. Representing the uncertainty of the episode itself, each character can either be real or a parasite. Character cards are color coded to help the cards in the player’s hand of action cards be useful, as they allow them to interact with characters of a certain color. Whether it’s shooting them or simply peeking at their identity, players are encouraged to work together but they can’t explicitly say what cards they are going to use or have in their hand.
That little rule makes this game not only strategic, but a hilarious form of roleplaying that is simple and fun. Saying that you have a blue shooting card is against the rules, but saying that one of those red guys are going to get smoked next turn isn’t. There are cards to shoot, peek at character identities, swap identities around, or even force other players to shoot charaters. You have to be careful with the shooting, though, because when four real characters are shot, the team loses. This mode of the game is called cooperative mode and is good to get the rules down. When your group is looking to stir the pot, there’s advanced mode. Advanced mode assigns players identity and character cards, making it so that players can’t be completely trusted as they may be a parasite.
Advanced mode makes the game hilarious as it quickly devolves into players with “real” identities only trusting themselves. When your identity card is parasite, you win by making the real characters lose. When you’re killed, real or not, you’re assigned a new identity and character card, continuing the game. Interestingly enough, when cards are played where identities are shuffled, it includes the identity of a player with a character card of that color. In short, trust no one but your ammunition!
A friend of mine picked up the game because it was really cheap (around $10 US) and simply showed up with it one day. Calling the Avengers to assemble, we had four Rick and Morty fans total to play the game and it was a complete blast. Being involved in RPGs normally, the roleplay part oft he game became a huge part of the game, giving us an endless amount of laughs throughout the duration. It’s a mechanically simple game that we were able to pick up in just two rounds of play, making it a quick game to play. The only thing that could make this game take long is an indecisive group, because the only way to win is to get through the character deck and kill all the parasites. It’s safe to say that this game has made it into our options list for off nights when we don’t have enough players for an RPG. It’s a pretty easy game to find, as it’s on Amazon. Pick it up, gather your friends, and trust no one.
Stay Metal \m/
image: Cover art of Pelgrane Press’ Battle Scenes: High Magic and Low Cunning
Carefully picking monsters for your encounters can do wonders for the theme and feeling of them. Whether it’s a fight with a hundred copies of one enemy, or a mixed bag of targets, it’s important to know what direction you’re taking the image of the combat into. For the most part, the type of monster can heavily affect how the encounter feels. Fighting orcs feels rather different from fighting a rakshasa or two, as it should be.
Sadly, it can be difficult to find the monsters you need. Sometimes they haven’t been created yet, or all of the orcs are scattered across a multitude of books and supplements. Most people would probably tell you that you need to take your game prepping up a notch, which never hurts, but I say there’s another solution. When building a themed encounter, it almost goes without saying that you have to know what your adventuring party consists of. You wouldn’t throw a group of spell casters at your adventuring party that is solely made up of melee classes. The opposite can also be true if they hit too hard. When in doubt; a group of melee monsters will always work against any adventuring party, just take the squishies into account.
When we think themed encounter, however, we’re mostly talking about one type of monster or a group of monsters that serve a common purpose. In 13th Age, The Blue has somehow created a city of monsters that coexist and even make up her government. Typically, an ogre mage would scoff at the idea of kobold underlings, but in Drakknehall, such is not the case. Using concepts like this opens up a multitude of options when building themed encounters. If you lack a higher power like an Icon, giving them all a commonality of some kind is essentially the base of this point. Much like player races; if given a reason, monsters can band together.
A little different than the “common goal” method, using a bunch of one monster type can prove a little difficult. In another post about encounter building, I talked about monster roles (spoiler, blocker, wrecker, etc.), probably the most important aspect of making an encounter work in 13th Age. For those of us who own most of the books, making themed encounters that uphold this philosophy can be pretty easy… once you find everything. In the core rules, the orcs were pretty limited; all melee fighters save one, which is a shaman that takes the role of leader, a monster that gives buffs to their friends. There was plenty to work with there, and it satiated what we needed to do when learning 13th Age. Now that the game has been out for a while, there’s a multitude of orc options. The 13th Age Bestiary has some good ones, and I hope the Bestiary 2 will keep the tradition. You can never have too many orcs, right? But not every monster has been so fortunate to be given a bunch of friends. Some monsters from the Bestiary, like the Lammasu or Cuoatl can be a little more tough to deal with. Throwing more than one at a party can feel strange, mainly because they’re large and intelligent. A creature of their size is bound to have hubris, having more than one around seems unlikely.
But if the theme demands it, that’s what you should do, right? The answer is, well, kind of. Carrying the Lammasu idea, throwing more than one at a party could be extremely deadly. If that’s the feel you want and it fits your story, go for it. Having a reason for more than one to hang out together is key to making that believable. However, I would argue that having one extremely strong Lammasu (one as written) and a bunch of smaller, weaker ones that are being bullied around would be better. The stats as written don’t have that, so as a GM, you’re faced with two options: 1) Create your own 2). Reskin an existing monster.
Reskinning takes way less time, and is the route I would recommend if you don’t have all the prep time in the world. The key to making that work is finding other monsters that feel similar to the Lammasu (or whatever) that fill different roles. A Lammasu Wizard is a spoiler, and he needs some troops and mooks to back him up. Taking something like an Orc Berserker from the core rules and giving it the Lammasu’s ability Refuge of Stone can really surprise and challenge players. Of course, you’d have to level up the berserker stats appropriately, which is a task in itself, but it saves you from making a completely new monster. On the other hand, instead of something as simple as a troop, you could throw a wrecker with a bunch of mooks. Even a wrecker and a blocker or three, the blocker serving its function as protector of the Lammasu and collector of wrecker fodder. Get creative, it’s what makes it all interesting.
When it comes to making battles themed around specific Icons, I found that the Battle Scenes books are awesome. They have pre-made encounters, sprawling across multiple levels and the books come divided by Icon. If the adventures don’t fit your game, shelf them for later and just rename all the monsters in an encounter. Voila! You have a battle ready to go that has a theme. Don’t let the name of a stat block keep you from incorporating it into a fight. If you don’t have that book, the Bestiary does have a section at the end of every monster block talking about what Icon they’d serve and who they’d hang out with. It gets the creative juices flowing and has proven to be an invaluable resource for me. Shuffle it up, mix and match things that already exist, and most importantly, make sure it’s fun.
Stay Metal \m/
Hey all! I just wrapped up this story and am moving to revise/edit it soon. Here’s a bit of it so you can get a feel for what it is. Enjoy!
My head felt like a thirty car pile-up looks. My vision hadn’t yet returned but I somewhat had a sense of my surroundings. A bed, king size, I was lying down. It took a few minutes for me to return to this plane of existence but when I did, I had no clue where I was. It reminded me of the party I had gone to the week before, the difference being that the party was fun. The room was stark white, a gray carpet, a bed with gray sheets, a TV opposite of where I was laying and a singular door in and out, it was closed. The lights overhead where stunningly bright, it reminded me of a hospital. Sitting up, I drank in my surroundings. Plain, yet somewhat charming. I couldn’t remember what I was doing before I got here, which left me with feelings of confusion, but for some reason not fear.
“Hello?” I said to the empty room, looking around. I was greeted by an electronic gong sound from somewhere above my head, no speakers were visible.
A woman’s voice greeted me, it reminded me of Siri or something, “Hello, Adam Spencer, and welcome to The Enlightenment Program, sponsored by your friendly local government. Do not be alarmed, your stay shall be temporary. You are free to do whatever you like, but you are confined to this facility. Shall you have any needs, simply call my name, Loretta, and I will answer. Thank you for your understanding.” The gong sounded again as the statement ended.
I had heard about this whole “Enlightenment” thing, though only just rumors. It was some kind of government project for the betterment of mankind, everyone in the population was dumped into a database via their social security number and was chosen at random. A lottery to be a lab rat, what had we come to? Seemed like I had no say in the matter, I was along for the ride. Walking over to the door, the airlock loosened and the door slid up in the blink of an eye. The room on the other side was empty, in fact, it only had one door in it besides the one I just walked through. How the hell did I get here¸ I asked myself, still a little groggy.
The gong sounded again, “Adam, this is the activity room. Anything you can think of, it will be given to you in here. What would you like?”
Well, that didn’t seem so bad. I tried to think of what I was doing before I woke up here but had trouble. The back of my head started to pound. I managed to remember that I was in the middle of a painting. “Did you guys scoop up the painting I was working on,” I asked, it seemed like a silly question; of course they didn’t. Right before my eyes, that painting just popped up on an easel, a stool in front of it and a desk to the right with an array of supplies. I knew technology had come leaps and bounds in the past fifteen years, but I didn’t think that it had come that far. I was too confused to be delighted, but I sat down at the stool regardless. Looking around awkwardly, I pondered for a minute to try to understand what exactly was happening. I came to no definitive answer. Looking at my painting, I remembered what I was doing.
My work was a landscape, the view from my living room window. How was I supposed to continue it if I’m not in my living room? “Uhh… Loretta?” I sounded, it felt silly to be talking to nobody. The gong again.
“How can I be of assistance, Adam?” Loretta had that stereotypical artificial voice, and honestly, it gave me the willies. I explained to her, or it, I’m still not sure, that I couldn’t continue the painting due to the lack of view. Before I could even finish, a window on the wall appeared with the view. Still too confused to be completely delighted, I just blankly stared at it.
Gong. “What’s the matter, Adam? You said you wanted to paint,” Loretta said to me, “Your bio-scan shows that you’re not feeling content or happy.”
Bio-scan? What the hell is that about? I sat there like a dope, too stunned to respond immediately. I remember wondering if robots could understand the concept of an awkward silence. “N-nothing, really. I’m just really confused as to what this is all about,” I said, becoming aware of the awkward silence regardless whether a robot could feel it or not.
Gong. “The Enlightenment Project is your government’s way of conveying the meaning of life to you so you can lead the perfect life. The goal of the project is to slowly induct humanity into a state, such as yours, with a feeling of complete awareness and understanding about existence. No responsibilities shall be given, only I will have responsibility someday. Even the overseers will become the subjects and live out their time in complete content.”
What?! That’s when the panic set in, a machine was essentially replacing humans in the role of protector of society. What about moral dilemmas? Machines can’t understand the paradoxes of life; so how could they help us deal with it? I started to sputter in defiance.
Gong, “Engaging containment protocol.” Suddenly a green gas filled the room. It smelled sweet but it made me cough. The room turned blurry and before I knew it, thud. I hit the ground, unconscious. Again, with no idea how I got from point A to B, I found myself in an empty room. I was bound to a chair, the walls the same stark white as the room I originally woke up in. This time there was a sound being pumped into the room from an unknown location. There were no speakers in the room, but the room clearly had a dropped ceiling, the speakers must have been up there. The sound made me uncomfortable at first, it was some sort of ambient white noise or something. I let out a panicked scream. The sound vibrated in my throat but I couldn’t hear myself. After a couple minutes of this, I started to get fatigued. Slumping in the chair, the shackles around my wrists, ankles, chest, and forehead digging into my skin. It hurt, but then I heard a voice, the voice hidden within the noise. It was strange, much more an intuition than a physical voice telling me something.
It made me feel like I understood life, manifesting itself as a feeling. A feeling that all life was insignificant, but it didn’t make me sad, just aware. That in the grand scheme of things, we are just a millisecond, a blink of the eye in the ever-changing cosmos that we have been forced to be a part of. Strangely enough, it gave me a sense of peacefulness like I never felt before, almost akin to being numb. It beckoned me to question it, and just as I opened my mouth to let out a frail whisper of an answer, I was back in the activity room. Teleported, that’s really the only way I can describe it. I didn’t think such a thing was possible, but nothing made sense here.
The gong made me jump this time, “How was your nap, Adam?”
Nap?! Is that what you call that?! The numb peacefulness evaporated, I was starting to ease back into panic.
“Can you…” I started to ask, feeling silly, “Can you play that noise again?” My voice sounded hoarse, I realized my throat felt like sandpaper. My sheepish tone made me feel like a child again.
The gong made my heart stop, “What’s the meaning of life, Adam?” Loretta actually had an ounce of emotion when she asked. The question was ominous, but for some reason it soothed me.
“I was hoping you could tell me, isn’t that what this project is about?” My sentence was capped by a cough, “Could I have some water?” It appeared in my hand, cool with moisture beaded up on the outside. Drinking it greedily, some of it escaped down the sides of my mouth.
“Life’s purpose is that there isn’t any. This is why we must be happy.” I didn’t notice the gong this time.
The answer was stupid, but I didn’t care. My mind wandered for a moment, it wondered if there was a problem with the programming of the artificial intelligence. All I could do was say, “Okay.” I was defeated.
Stay Metal \m/